Ever since I was little, I’ve always had a plan. Finish high school, go to college, meet my husband, rule the corporate world, and have perfect children… all within probably a year of graduating college. Let’s just take a second to LOL.
They often say that if you want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plans. They were right.
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” –Proverbs 19:21
I graduated college 6 months ago, almost to the day, and nothing has gone according to my plan. NOTHING.
And. That. Is. Okay.
In the past 6 months, God has broken me in so many different ways, and I’ve never had more peace.
I’ve cried. I’ve drank. I’ve run away. I’ve prayed. I’ve learned to be still. I’ve found contentment in Christ.
I’ve learned to listen to God’s plans above my own.
I’ve learned that God is still there when it feels like He’s silent, and He’s probably teaching the gift of patience. I’ve learned that the wait is more about experiencing God than enduring the delay.
He’s taken away every empty thing I’ve been trying to find my joy in and filled me with so much more.
I have learned that my happiness is dependent on undependable circumstances, but my JOY is rooted in Christ. He never changes.
When your relationship fails, He is still good. When your career doesn’t go as planned, He is still good. When you have health problems, He is still good. When people you need walk out of your life, He is still good.
In the past 6 months, I have walked through all of these and I can say it is well with my soul.
No relationship, career, social status, or worldly possession will ever fill my heart the way He does.
The world tells us we have to have it all together all the time; Jesus just wants us to let Him use our broken, messed up pieces.
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” –Psalm 62:5-6
I spent the past four years trying to make much of myself and now all I want is to make much of Him. I don’t regret any decisions I’ve made because they all led me to this point. God will never waste your hard circumstances without teaching you something from it. You just have to let Him. I’ve learned that I cannot always control my circumstances but I can ALWAYS control my reaction to those circumstances. I can always find joy.
So, why do I keep getting knocked back down again every time I try to get up?
Because He is God and I am not. He had to remind me of that. Humility is something I’ve learned the hard way. His ways are higher than my ways.
God had to remind me that we go through storms because our faith needs the rain to help it grow.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4
So, what do I do now?
I work on serving Him. In the past 6 months, I’ve done things I’ve never had the courage to do before. I’ve felt more myself than I have in a long time.
I work on being a better servant, daughter, sister, friend, leader; a better me.
One day I’ll meet my husband, maybe start my own non-profit organization and adopt a bunch of kiddos, we’ll see. Until then, I’ll work on building His Kingdom.
I might still not know who I am, but I know whose I am, and that makes all the difference.